| In a department store the other day, I overheard a young boy, about eight, obviously shopping with his mother for a gift. "What about this?" he asked, pointing to a cozy looking red flannel. "It's just the kind of shirt Grandpa likes to wear."
"Nice job, kid," I thought to myself. But his mother blurted out something like, "Oh, that's ugly! We're not getting that." I felt sorry for the boy. What a put-down! I doubt that his mom even realized what she'd done.
Most people do not see themselves as others do—or as their children do. This mom was speaking her own mind without realizing that she was teaching her child a lesson she did not intend: "Be cautious, son, if you're going to share your ideas with me in the future, you could get hurt."
Good communication in a family is the key to emotionally healthy kids. Just as parents have to share feelings to satisfy a human need to be close to someone (usually a spouse), so do kids. They need to feel that a parent actually enjoys spending time with them, to talk and do things together.
Allow your child to express feelings without fear of being criticized or punished. Deal patiently and gently with your child's feelings. Don't be afraid of your child's anger. Try to identify and gradually eliminate the use of put-downs in your communication style.
Use questions sparingly with your child. Questions often force children to explain things they haven't thought through yet. You may see yourself as a concerned parent, but your child may feel put on the spot.
Get your kids to stick around and talk. Interest them in a snack or in helping you with something: finishing a jigsaw puzzle, cracking eggs into pancake batter, holding the hose while you soap up the hubcaps. Once you find ways to gets kids to talk, forget the lectures.
Listen to your children. Spend twice as much time listening as you do trying to get your message across. Your children must know you are interested in them and really willing to listen to what they have on their minds or in their hearts.
Give your child your undivided attention. Some reluctant talkers love to communicate just when it's time for bed. Build in extra time when you're tucking them in to let this happen.
Reclaim family time from the television by cutting down your family's TV viewing time.
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